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Friday, September 24, 2010

The hardest part

I was listening to a song today and one line resonated with where I am right now:

"The hardest part of ending is starting over again"

It is so true. But for me right now it is more than that. It isn't a true end because you remember everything that happened before and still have the chattels reminiscent of the life from before. The decision to break up was difficult for us both but nowhere near how difficult it is to start again missing him but wanting us both to be happy. I got the fur-babies in the divorce but I also got all the baggage, metaphorically and physically. I will never know how he felt except from what he says but I have the burden of four years worth of emotion and furniture. Its a process now of selling what is no longer necessary, deciding what I need and what I can't bear to part with. I am embarrassed by how much that actually amounts to. I have boxes and boxes of things that I have collected, things and trinkets and a giant bag of towels. Random!

I wonder if I would have been better doing what he has done. Packed a bag and dumped the rest. I know I would be better off but I am not built like that. I have so many beautiful things. Things that I would never have bought or had were it not for the security and safety of our relationship. Throwing them out seems like a waste of beautiful things! The worst part though is that the things seem to be keeping me together. I have had a week on my own now and have spent every moment not working or studying on moving my things from the ex-apartment to the new one, unpacking them and placing them around the room. It stops me from thinking about what it all means.

And this is my one and only breakup post. From here I will talk about the "starting again" not the "what was". This is more for my own sanity because if I dwell on the what ifs I am truly going to loose it. As our new PM says "We need to keep moving forward"


Love to all
xox Jane

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